WHAT DO I WANT?

Ok, seriously, I don't know what is that one thing(if there is one), by doing which I will be happy. But I'm sure it's not what I am doing right now. I don't want to be in this corpo-rat(e) race. I don't want to spend all my time reading, doing and thinking of datacom and networking. I don't want to burn my days, competing with my colleagues for that extra money and a safe job. I don't want to become a superman, who can help some company earn few more dollars.
I want to read political science, economics and sociology. I want to understand the history of the human race, history of its history, science, politics and life. And find out, if it could be better.

Some times I doubt, if I am a pessimist, always rejecting all the good that is around. I doubt, if I am just incapable of doing well in the current setup, and if that's why I am working around it. Just being a spectator, taking up the role of a researcher or reporter, who has interest but is not part of the thing that he is reporting/analysing; At the same time, anxious of his place in it, realising his stake in it secretly.

I want to keep my body fit so that it can do anything my mind wants it to do. Nevertheless I indulge in excessive/rich food that is not good for my health, and very soon regret it.

I call myself a slave, a slave of the idea called freedom. I can't rely on anyone for my goodness. I want to live and die on my own hands. Not because I don't trust fellow human beings. I trust them to be human beings, nothing more. I am aware fully that their lives are their business, and mine is mine. When I say life, mine or someone else's, I am aware that everyone's unerstanding of it is different, and the limits are different. Mine is bound by that too. Meaning, my life may not be limited to the singular body and emotions of mine alone.
It will be great to live a nice evening, leaving oneself fully to a loved one. But, very soon, the urge to break free will become unbearable.

One thing I dread is ordinariness, though I want to look very ordinary (especially when everyone around me try their best to look extraordinary). Basically, we are all trying to do the same thing. It is just that I am not comfortable with the common definitions. I just don't want to play by the rules set by people who didn't think what I am thinking. Why should I?

I want to learn. Almost everything. I want to be able to create the best drawings, I want to be able to sing a song that is good enough to sound good to my ears. I want to be able to dance, very well (I'm a pauper of adverbs, I am running out of them). I want to understand how things work. I am not too worried about the minutest technical things, but I want to understand the logic that stands behind each one of the things that I see. After understanding a few, most of the times, i lose my interest, and the feeling of not 'doing' anything overcomes me. I wouldn't want to sell my drawings or writings to earn my meal. Because I know these are not good enough. I want to really 'do' something. Like doing agriculture, growing rice and making my meal.

I want to be good to everyone, for only then, I can think good of me. I look like, speak like someone, who is too concerned about society. But, in actuality, I am worried about only myself. Society figures in my life, only because I am in it.

I want to remain very simple, in every way. I watch in dismay, the lives, mine and others' becomeing complex slowly; mine, by my own doing. Making myself simple, removing everything that is not necessary, will probably help me find the 'essential me'. That might make it easy to satisfy myself. But, I understand that it is probably against the nature, which has seen to it that an amoeba becomes a human, so complex that my words can't describe. How can learning things can make myself simple? Doesn't it add ideas, making myself complex? Here is the twist. I think I learn things, so that I can reject them. Unknowingly (not any more!) I have rejected all those already. I just want to be sure, so I learn. I remember reading all the religious text I could get just a few years back, and now I am an atheist. Why is it necessary for me to find out the 'essential me'? Because, 'essential me' is not going to be different from 'essential anyone'. That will probably be the smallest unit of a being that can think. I guess that will help. Will it, really?

I crave appreciation. On receiving it, I get disappointed, I feel I have grown small upon receiving it. I feel I don't deserve it, purely because I had craved it.

How self centred, I am! That's another thing I am dreadful about. Can I ever be in a relationship, where I am responsible for another life? I have been a responsible son, brother at home; a very responsible worker, mentor, colleague at office. So, the chances are that I can be. But I am anxious about it. When I am not sure what I am doing with my life, how can I join it with someone else's, or how can I bring a new one into existence?

I remember Nagarjunan telling, during a discussion, how he had moved on from existentialism to structuralism. I am not sure if he meant that the essential-being becomes kind of inessential when faced with the groups of beings, which are not worried about the essential or non-essential beings, which are concerned about everything that an essential-being seeker would abandon as inessential, at the same time infringing upon every individual being.
I dont know if I would abandon all this and become something else. I have no opinion about that right now.

Now I have more questions. What the hell is this 'essential me'? That was a word I stumbled across a few minutes back, while wondering what I am looking for. Do I mean err... God by any chance? Hell.. no! This search probably is same as the one the atomic scientists have been doing. Please don't call me spiritual. I hate that word.