Showing posts with label diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diary. Show all posts

Sunday, January 07, 2007

A little mess, dude, do a world of good!

Another Sunday morning; and I was sitting by the window reading 'Book Review', a supplementary of San Francisco Chronicle. There was a column titled ‘Why a little mess is good for you’ and the sub title read ‘Overplanning, obsessive neatness interferes with creative flexibility’. Oh my… What the hell!? So, authors have so run out of subjects to write about, that they have to write about this? Why should they write a ‘book’ on this?
A little mess, dude
Do a world of good!
Won’t this line be sufficient? Why should they write a whole book and take the fun away from being messy? I’m not going to read the review. What was the title of the book, anyway? ‘A Perfect Mess: The Hidden benefits of Disorder’. Oh! Will it remain disorder after one writes a book listing down the benefits? Disgusting!

BTW, Happy New Year! Let the ‘BTW’ not deceive you, though it may sound as a passing remark, a bored greeting or an indifferent salute, this new year wish from me comes from my heart.

Let’s see what 2007 does!
2006 tested me a lot. Physically, emotionally, professionally… Ally! It was a great teacher. My horoscope says I have ‘Guruchandala dhosha’. Even if I end up blaming 2006, I have all the gratitude for it a teacher deserves. Thank you 2006!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Trip to Yellowstone

We were nine totally, five in our car, Dodge Durango. First destination of our trip was a place called Ketchum in state Idaho. Reached there in the early morning, slept for some time. We had delicious burger for brunch and set off to do rafting in river Salmon. After reaching the place, three of us decided to do kayaking instead. While rafting is done in a group of 6 people, kayak is to be done alone.

Kayak trainer asked us to stay there while he was preparing to come in the river. River Salmon had other ideas and she took me along with her and I was searching if I see the words ‘The End’ somewhere in the waters. It took just a few seconds to realize that it was too simple to be worthy of a climax and I could manage the kayak easily. When I managed to take the kayak to the land to wait for the others in my group, I had already traveled more than 200 meters.. We kayaked for more than 10 miles and it was very exciting though equally tiring. Friction with the paddle peeled off some skin from my right thumb and for half the distance I was holding the paddle in a funny way and it made kayaking difficult. Once my kayak was being rocked between two rocks and I started shouting for help. After realizing that nobody is there to help me, I managed to get out of it. It was easy! 
Since I had started earlier than planned, there was no photo taken while I was kayaking.

Then we went to Yellowstone, the first national park of the world. On most of our way, we had the river Salmon accompanying us, just by the side of our road. In Yellowstone, which spreads over 9000 square miles, there were a lot of geysers and the scalding water erupting out reacts with the chemicals in the earth and makes different, colorful and beautiful structures. There is a geyser called ’old faithful geyser’, which erupts every 94 minutes, for more than 100 years. When it does it, it erupts to a height of 100 ft. We could see it twice on that day.

We went to the canyon of the Yellowstone, view of which was great. And then, there were two water falls called upper and lower falls of Yellowstone river. Lower falls was particularly spectacular. Just a few meters upstream, river was shallow, calm and alone! I got lot of time to play around, crossing the river streams jumping over the rocks; walking on the fallen trees that lie across the river.
We also went to Yellowstone Lake, which was so huge and beautiful. Unfortunately, we didn’t have time to do boating there.

It was time for our journey back. Since it is a 16 hours drive, we had planned to stop and stay in Wendover city, Nevada State. Nevada being a dry state, there is nothing much to visit. But the whole state is full of casinos. We visited two of them in Wendover. This time too I didn’t gamble, as was the case in Las Vegas in 2003. But, make no mistake; I don’t consider it to be a virtue.

July 4th was U.S Independence Day. We saw the Independence Day parade. It was a great sight to see the enthusiasm that the kids had. The parade had vehicles slowly driving along the road and people inside threw candies and chocolates to the kids. Parade was represented by a few schools too. I couldn’t see a single teenaged boy being part of that. It is same everywhere.
And, I feel ashamed to think that I never wished 'happy independence day' anyone that day.

Highlights:
1. I drove in freeway for the first time, for around 7 hours. Driving in 75mph and above was thrilling. I found it very difficult to control it in the curvy roads in Derby dam area in Nevada. I managed somehow. Thankfully I wasn’t carried away, when my friend asked me to try following a supposedly beautiful girl who overtook us.

2. In Yellowstone, people bought t-shirts, caps for themselves and gifts for their friends. I didn’t know what to buy. At last I bought a DVD on Yellowstone Park so that I can show this to my parents when I return home.

3. On our way from Yellowstone to Wendover, we had a long discussion on love, marriage, kids and err… self realization. My stand would have been different a year or two ago. My comment on the debate came under heavy criticism.

4. Whenever I travel far, I used to get this startling feeling. Seeing hundreds of people so far from me, so far from each other, with their own lives, joys and worries… The policeman we talked to, the gas station lady who gracefully handled my irritation, anger and embarrassment, three young girls who run a restaurant in that small unknown town, that bartender who served drinks and pizzas to our group alone well over midnight, and a lot of others. How huge and varied and beautiful this world is, this life is!

5. When I went for kayaking, I forgot to remove my wrist watch that my uncle had presented me in 1997. It drank a lot of water and stopped running promptly. So, my time had not been running since then. When it cannot run, does time stand still? That too, when you have a lot of time for thinking, with pine forest running behind fast, as you travel? No, it goes back.

6. Today, six days after kayaking, my watch has started working. But the watch dial still has water drops. Time ticks forward, but I can still see it only through the water of past.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Tried so hard, to reach so far...

I worked really hard, for the past three days, to make this configuration on my testbed. I talked to people, referred documents, RFC etc. But, now that the test is over, I have to dismantle it. And, start on another one, which needs to be dismantled anyway, soon!

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I don't have cancer!!!

After reading my previous posts, few of my friends are worried if I am really, fully down with some depression. ok! Not really.

There are lot of other things happening.

I completed reading Midnight's Children. Liked it. Will write more about it later.

In March, I was able to do Padmasanam (after 15 yrs!). I started doing it so regularly and religiously that it resulted in tissue inflammation in my right shin. Though I ignored it initially, I was alarmed when it started increasing and spreading. I went to a clinic here. The whole thing took around three hours, most of which was spent in waiting for one or other thing. Allowed X-Rays to touch me for the first time in my life. (as if it was waiting!) When it was over, doctor told this. "I'm relieved. It's not cancer". I was relieved too, for I had thought of that possibility as well. Now, back to sukhasanam.

mmm... what else? I can't think of any!
Ah! Yesterday I changed the password for one of my accounts. What's special in it? That was the last one which had a particular name. And, it's not over. My new password has a serious question hidden in it! And, that's ridiculous! I'm back.

Am I really, fully down?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Few Twenty Firsts

Today, May 21st.

I remember 1991's May 21, I was in Thalayolaparambu, Kerala to spend my summer vacation. Rajiv Gandhi was assassinated and a man who came to my uncle's shop accused us all Tamils for that.

There was 2005, Dec 21, which saw me wandering along the streets, talking to myself over an important thing. I was trying to decide. Should I, shouldn't I? I decided in the affirmative but it was only three months later, only after I became blind to all the other possibilities and by then the question had vanished unable to survive my constant stare at it. Questions don't get answer; They disappear. And, you are left with the answer you would have liked, anyway.

Then came 2006, Jan 21, a Saturday. I was at home, alone, trying to draw a particular drawing, which I was trying for quite some time then. And on that day, I was successful. I have taken it with me, but haven't taken out yet. Let me see how long I can resist!

Feb 21, 2006. Nothing much to say. I was battling myself again.

This is the best! March 21st. A sacrificial lamb lead the priest to the altar. Got killed and rested convinced. Felt ridiculous all through the process!

On April 21st, I started my flight to U.S. And, I wrote the following.

Bangalore Airport. 9:35PM, 21st Apr 2006.

I have a choice, now.
A choice that gives me freedom to choose one from so many options.
I can continue reading 'Midnight's children', from where I left a week ago.
I can take out AK Ramanujan's poems, close eyes, open any page of the book and read.
I can watch TV, though it's some stupid program running.
Or, listen to one of the hundreds of songs I have in my laptop.
Or, just keep looking around.
Or, eat something from the coffee day outlet here.

But, I don't know what to do.
There is another luring option; I can just sit there and start thinking.
About what?
About my parents, who had come to send me off...
My project and the hard work and a harder manager that await me in the USA...
Or, about a call that I wanted to make before leaving, but didn't.
About the person, whom I wanted to talk to, but didn't.
About the person, who asked me to keep in touch, but wished just the opposite.

But I choose to just go over all my options again and again, and then to play a game of Hearts! It's easy when played on a laptop.

Friday, April 21, 2006

ON MY WAY

I'm on my way to the U.S.A. Writing this from Singapore Changi Airport.
Will be busy once I reach there, at least for the first few weeks. Lot of things though, to write here. Hope I get enough time and interest!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

SAT DOWN AND WEPT

I was roaming around in BTM Layout, unsuccessfully looking for a doctor who won't mind working on a Sunday evening. Bought 'By the river Piedra I sat down and wept' by Paulo Coelho from a road side bookseller. Actually, I had started reading 'Midnight's children' just the previous day. Anyway, decided to complete 'By the river ..' and started reading the same evening.

Big disappointment. Pages 50-67 were missing in the book. I was not in a mood (or state, I told I was looking for a doctor) to go and get the book replaced. Loss of these 17 pages didn't matter much as I continued reading. (Is there a philosophy hiding here?)

I finished it the next day. I had 'deja vu' feeling when I read the way the protagonists (both of them) think and act. I had thought the same thoughts and done similar things too. I am planning to do some of them in future. Many of us (I'm under no illusion that I have a great readership to this blog :-)) would feel the same, I think.

Whenever the word 'ridiculous' was used in the novel, I couldn't resist remembering one of my previous posts.

I tend to agree with Paulo when he talks about love. But not when he talks about faith or God or destiny. Not in a mood to discuss about this more, now. Will be back, for sure.

To close, one statement from 'Midnight's children'. (not in exact words)
"You turned your back on us, and now claim that we are behind you"

Good one, isn't it?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

RIDICULOUS

I was going to tell and I felt ridiculous, I promise. Is this something that is to be told? Felt, isn't it? The very fact that it needs to be told indicated what was in store for me. But, one has to do many things even after knowing that the result is not going to be favourable. Waging a losing battle. There is no other choice; as I told earlier, there is no looking back. Go along the way. Don't retreat and regret later. Get killed and rest convinced.

So, I was going to tell and I felt ridiculous. I was telling and I felt ridiculous. I told and heard 'Ridiculous!'.

Killed and convinced.

'ini ennaip puthiya uyiraakki, mathithannai mihath theLivu seyvaay' (mahakavi Bharathi)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

IS THERE A WAY OUT?

I had gone to one of my relatives' house on Saturday. After lunch, I was alone watching TV. K.Vishwanath's 'Sippikkul muthu' was being telecast in RAJ TV. I could watch only half of the movie as I had to leave from there.

Watching the movie made me cry. It's not just 'tears-in-my-eyes' stuff; I was literally crying. It was not for Kamal's character in the movie or the hardships faced by Radhika as young widow. Being selfish as I am, I can only cry for myself. I cried for my lost innocence. I cried, detesting all the knowledge i have gained; all the calculations my mind can do in a second; all the books I have read; all the things that this world has taught me; all the things that I have willingly learnt.

Worst of all is, I cannot decide to be innocent. There is no looking back, is there?

Monday, March 06, 2006

CHANGE / EVOLUTION ?

I went to a book shop (Prism) in Jayanagar on Sunday. To my surprise, I went to fiction first and then to Philosophy section. This is the first ever time I have done this, while buying English books. With Tamil, this happened a year back, approxmately.

So, I have come to fiction from Philosophy, I believe. Two years back, when I bought 'Total Freedom' by JK, I felt like a drug addict who consumes more drug though he wants to get rid of it badly. I dread if there would be a day in which I would find that all my thoughts were taken from some book I read. That's a nightmare.

But, till today, I am buying and reading more and more.

Midnight's Children (Rushdie), Collected Poems(AK Ramanujan), Commentaries on Living Second Series, Third Series (JK).

Shop owner gave me 10% discount, when I didn't ask for any. I had fought with this old man once before and my last punch line was 'You know what, you just lost a customer'. As usual, I find it meaningless now.

And, I didn't buy clothes, though I had gone to Jayanagar for buying me some shirts. All the shops are crowded and those lights and crowd put me off. I will buy when I really very badly need them. This morning I had to cut the hanging threads from the bottom of my pant and the shirt has worn out in its collar, it is torn too. I can manage for some more time?

Friday, March 03, 2006

WHAT WE HAVE?


I can't get to see,
however hard I think,
what am I to you now?
Will I ever know?

What you have for me,
Is it irritation?
Or a heart of hatred,
or just indifference!?

I know it's not love!
I know it can't be love!

I know my heart well,
It won't ever back out.
Nothing can erase
in my heart your face!

It will be in my shell,
that I never will reveal,
for I know you know too,
but you chose not to face.

But, you know it is love!
Dear, you know it is love!


Don't give me no reason
you might have lots of 'em.
How can it matter to me,
what they are, let them be!

This is our station,
where I know you part me.
With you take these words
just to laught at or hate me.

Just to laugh at or hate me!
Just you laugh at or hate me!


I bid you good bye here
'tis bad I can't go back
and start all over again
not to give you a single hint!

Don't wanna be near
I'll go far and find my life
But love's what I have for you!
never impured by words of mine!

But, love's what I have for you!
Yeah, love's what I'll have for you!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Peanut Candy

While going home from office last night, I bought vegetables and milk for preparing supper. Walking towards home, I saw the small shop on the opposite street, where we usually buy pickle sachets. With the change that remains, I used to buy peanut candy. We had enough stock of pickle at home. But, I thought of buying it, so that I can buy peanut candy too. When I checked my purse, I had just a single one rupee coin and then Rs50 notes.

So, I have to buy peanut candy alone. How can I do that, being a 26 years old, going to a shop just to buy one peanut candy? No. I decided against that and started walking my way. But, how can this silly inhibition stop me from having what I want?

I walked back towards that shop. There were three inside the shop (two men and a woman), talking to a man who was standing outside the shop. I went and put the coin and asked for a candy. Before I know, my face prepared itself to wear an apologetic smile, as if to apologize for being so childish. (Why is it that I was going to smile at the woman alone. Is it only a woman's opinion about me I'm concerned about?) No, I ordered myself not to smile. Taking that candy in hand, I walked home.

Now, don't believe even if I say that the candy was tastier than it had ever been. It's just the same.

P.S: Oh, what a revolution? Do I talk in the same tone one would talk in, when one says about having gone to an er... whorehouse, without worrying about his prestige etc?

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Thank you!

One evening, walking on the river side, I picked two pebbles. They were mine, how nice! I held them against my cheek and enjoyed their chillness. Did the same to my eyes. How lucky I was to have them, to own them. I ran home to show my newfound treasures to everyone. My aunt had come and she had brought date fruits. She gave me two of them. Not caring to take them, I hurried to show her my pebbles. She told, "oh, pebbles? Here, have these". How come she didn't understand that these pebbles are so good! I kept my pebbles in my box. I noticed that the box had few other pebbles too, which I had picked earlier. Some of them looked better than the new ones? I didn't care, these were new and mine. I ignored the thought that I might have to throw these away when we shift our house soon, and ran to aunt again.

She gave me date fruits. What were her pebbles? Is it those date fruits or me?

I liked my aunt, for she had brought me something to eat. I put one in my mouth, still looking at my aunt. She was eagerly awaiting my response. I was too shy to thank her. As I bit the fruit, smiling and blushing, I held my cheek in my palms, and told 'aah'. My aunt called my mother, "Hey, look at your son. He was hurt by date fruit, a date fruit. How strong, your son is?". I started thinking of ways to explain my behavior, silently scolding myself why I couldn't find a better way to thank her.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

BORED?

Yesterday, as I mentioned in my previous post, I finished reading 'Gone with the wind'. Then I read Balakumaran's 'payaNikaL gavanikkavum' for the third time. Last time I read that was more than 1.5 years back. When I finished that, I remembered that I had to wash my clothes; I washed. Then, I took 'Bharathiyar kavithaikaL' and read kuyil paattu and kaNNan paattu.

Doing these things is not new to me. Doing these many things is not new either. I was alone at home. That was not at all new. I remember the college days when I loved to be alone, when all my roommates had gone home. There were days I, alone, walked around Bangalore, unknown parks, unknown halls, where some Kannada programmes were going on.

But yesterday, I couldn't stand it. After reading 'vaartthai thavaRi vittaay' from kaNNan paattu, I closed the book, wore my shirt and started wandering the streets. I thought I was bored. Guess I wasn't.