Doodle today!

I was doing my morning exercises. Nobody else was awake. It's moments like these that drive more thoughts, most of the times making me forget what I was doing. Even as I was stretching, I found a pen and a paper on the table nearby. As usual, I stopped exercising and took the pen to scribble something. After a few minutes, I ended up with what you see above.

I love it, don't you?

Don't worry about those words in Malayalam. I had written that before starting on this drawing. Consciously, I didn't make them related. Unconsciously, probably! :)

RSI and a few more important things

I'm suffering from RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury), which makes it really hard to type. That's the reason behind me not writing much here. It's getting better, though it will take atleast a few more weeks for me to be comfortable here.

So, a few short updates...

When I went to the doctor, an Indian, she asked me a few questions...

Are you allergic to any medicine?
No
Are you under any medication?
No
Do you smoke?
No
Alcohol?
No
Are you married?
No
Do you have children?
Hmm?.. NO!

We went on a trip to Crater Lake, Oregon caves and Mount Shasta. My uncle joined us too. Last weekend, my parents and brothers had gone to Thirunelveli for our temple festival. Though I saw Crater lake and a few other rivers, I miss Thaamiravaruni river, Nellaiappar, Azhwarthirunagari and Sreevaikundam temples, even after ceasing to be a devotee.

Now I have a beard that is more than 50 days old. Exactly on the 50th day, I had a realization, though it was from a column by one Manju in a local magazine here. It is not the column itself. One line, majorly exaggerated at that, struck me very hard. As I contemplated further, I found how hard it is for the other person.
It helps to know the other side. I think this completes the process started by 'Smile in Pleasantville'. I am very happy now, to let things go!

Will be back, after a while!

I'M HAPPY TODAY

I was walking, alone, in the midst of unknown flowers that spread the fragrance in the air and happiness in the minds. I wondered that it has taken more than a month for me to walk here and to know the existence of these flowers in the neighborhood.

So, what happened today that made me do this?
It's not something that happened today. Probably everything that has been happening for the past few days have helped me to regain what I had lost.

This morning, I unsubscribed from the groups that call themselves 'pessimists', 'terminally single' etc. Just a few days back I thought I have been a pessimist from birth. How did I forget the rainy evenings that I walked in Koramangala streets, gently touching the road side tree leaves making them shower their blessings on me? How did I forget the heavy rains that washed all my thoughts down, while I was lying on the BTM house terrace, with just a towel around my waist? How did I forget the kids that smile at me? How did I forget the moments that filled me with ecstacy, wherever I was in, temple, travel, in front of a TV or a book, or alone!

Thanks to,
* this space, which allowed me to pour down all I had in my mind.
* the Sunday evening, which led me to this, probably
* the movie 'Pleasantville'!
* Time, which heals the worst of one's wounds.
* hearts which I feel I'm close to.
* one who made all this possible!

My next post is going to be my best! (no blind optimism, this)

I don't have cancer!!!

After reading my previous posts, few of my friends are worried if I am really, fully down with some depression. ok! Not really.

There are lot of other things happening.

I completed reading Midnight's Children. Liked it. Will write more about it later.

In March, I was able to do Padmasanam (after 15 yrs!). I started doing it so regularly and religiously that it resulted in tissue inflammation in my right shin. Though I ignored it initially, I was alarmed when it started increasing and spreading. I went to a clinic here. The whole thing took around three hours, most of which was spent in waiting for one or other thing. Allowed X-Rays to touch me for the first time in my life. (as if it was waiting!) When it was over, doctor told this. "I'm relieved. It's not cancer". I was relieved too, for I had thought of that possibility as well. Now, back to sukhasanam.

mmm... what else? I can't think of any!
Ah! Yesterday I changed the password for one of my accounts. What's special in it? That was the last one which had a particular name. And, it's not over. My new password has a serious question hidden in it! And, that's ridiculous! I'm back.

Am I really, fully down?

Few Twenty Firsts

Today, May 21st.

I remember 1991's May 21, I was in Thalayolaparambu, Kerala to spend my summer vacation. Rajiv Gandhi was assassinated and a man who came to my uncle's shop accused us all Tamils for that.

There was 2005, Dec 21, which saw me wandering along the streets, talking to myself over an important thing. I was trying to decide. Should I, shouldn't I? I decided in the affirmative but it was only three months later, only after I became blind to all the other possibilities and by then the question had vanished unable to survive my constant stare at it. Questions don't get answer; They disappear. And, you are left with the answer you would have liked, anyway.

Then came 2006, Jan 21, a Saturday. I was at home, alone, trying to draw a particular drawing, which I was trying for quite some time then. And on that day, I was successful. I have taken it with me, but haven't taken out yet. Let me see how long I can resist!

Feb 21, 2006. Nothing much to say. I was battling myself again.

This is the best! March 21st. A sacrificial lamb lead the priest to the altar. Got killed and rested convinced. Felt ridiculous all through the process!

On April 21st, I started my flight to U.S. And, I wrote the following.

Bangalore Airport. 9:35PM, 21st Apr 2006.

I have a choice, now.
A choice that gives me freedom to choose one from so many options.
I can continue reading 'Midnight's children', from where I left a week ago.
I can take out AK Ramanujan's poems, close eyes, open any page of the book and read.
I can watch TV, though it's some stupid program running.
Or, listen to one of the hundreds of songs I have in my laptop.
Or, just keep looking around.
Or, eat something from the coffee day outlet here.

But, I don't know what to do.
There is another luring option; I can just sit there and start thinking.
About what?
About my parents, who had come to send me off...
My project and the hard work and a harder manager that await me in the USA...
Or, about a call that I wanted to make before leaving, but didn't.
About the person, whom I wanted to talk to, but didn't.
About the person, who asked me to keep in touch, but wished just the opposite.

But I choose to just go over all my options again and again, and then to play a game of Hearts! It's easy when played on a laptop.

RIDICULOUS

I was going to tell and I felt ridiculous, I promise. Is this something that is to be told? Felt, isn't it? The very fact that it needs to be told indicated what was in store for me. But, one has to do many things even after knowing that the result is not going to be favourable. Waging a losing battle. There is no other choice; as I told earlier, there is no looking back. Go along the way. Don't retreat and regret later. Get killed and rest convinced.

So, I was going to tell and I felt ridiculous. I was telling and I felt ridiculous. I told and heard 'Ridiculous!'.

Killed and convinced.

'ini ennaip puthiya uyiraakki, mathithannai mihath theLivu seyvaay' (mahakavi Bharathi)