JORNEY JUST STARTED

When I was browsing a web site searching for an apartment to rent or a roommate to share it with, I found a fortune forecast for me. It read 'you will inherit a big amount today'. Good one for a classifieds page, isn't it? But, I realized suddenly that it was true. Just a few hours back, I had gone to a Bank of America branch here to close my old account and open a new account. To my surprise, she told that I had more than 1100$ in my old accounts. I didn't expect anything over a 500 dollars, frankly. So, isn't that an inheritance (though not a big amount)? From whom? From Vidyasakaran of 2003, who had come to Texas, USA.

That's how his financial planning was. He never knew how much money, in US Dollars, he had here. Never cared to check that. Was prepared to hear the news that his bank account was closed due to inactivity.

And, as on today, I am no better in financial planning. I remain the same in that aspect. I don't regret my carelessness.

Leave financial planning out, I have changed, I think, and how!

In 2003 August, I landed here as an ardent devotee, believer. Now, I don't worship, I don't pray. Though I have taken the painting of Lord Shiva (which I had brought and worhipped last time) with me now, (just in case...) it is still inside my suitcase, uncovered.

In 2003, I went to office everyday with sacred ash prominently smeared on my forehead, more prominently because of my complexion. Now, it is more than a year since I stopped wearing ash, since I dropped it when I realized that it had become just a habit.

Three years back when I came, I had a few senior colleagues whom I was depending, for everything. And, I was quite happy about that. They did everything for me. I just continued my home life, which I was missing from the time I left for my college in 1996. I didn't drive, I didn't plan trips, I didn't activate my ATM card, didn't take a credit card, didn't buy a phone card. I enjoyed my surrender to them. I had even compared that with Vaishnavism's total surrender, in my thoughts, then. I was taken care of, thoroughly.

Now, I still live with the help from guys here and that is intolerable. I would like to break myself free and go out and live all alone, whatever that might take. It can be probably because I am one of the senior guys here. Or because, I don't know these people before. But, I don't think I will ever be able to as carefree as I was.

Last time, I was overwhelmed looking at this country, at least for the first few days. Now, it's not there. OK, it had disappeared within the first few days of my last trip, but it came back strongly, when I saw Mumbai, Bangalore Airports and Bangalore roads on my way back. Now, it seems to be a usual place, some times. At other times, I long to be in the midst of pollution and commotion of Bangalore.

Last time, I landed with my suitcase containing Bhagavad Gita (which I read every morning for well over 2.5 yrs) and War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy). When I went back, I had Atlas Shrugged, I had just started reading then.
Now, I didn't take Gita. I have brought Midnight's Children, JK's Commentary on Living and Amartya Sen's Argumentative Indian.

Three years back, I came here with a mind that was in peace, that had faith, that was clear. Happy? I said peace, what more one wants? I never had to stop and wonder if I was happy. A real evidence to say that I was happy, right?

Now, I can't say I'm very happy. Just out of a, should I write this, failed dream, though it still lingers and tortures now and then. Add to that all these... New into a project which has been going on for long time. No idea about my place in the team. Little idea about the work I'm going to do. Above all these, confusion over future, present and the past. No idea what I want to do in life. No, I'm not going to add more.

So, that's how it is right now...
I have to get my driver's license, get a good place to stay and probably a car, credit card. Oh... I just hate all the work I have to do for these things. But, I am not going to let anyone else do these for me.

Bye for now.

ON MY WAY

I'm on my way to the U.S.A. Writing this from Singapore Changi Airport.
Will be busy once I reach there, at least for the first few weeks. Lot of things though, to write here. Hope I get enough time and interest!

ONE MORE IN MY MORTUARY

I saw It rising.
from an unknown corner
of mind.

Took in my hand,
enquired its origins;
Demanded
reason and explanation,
for its birth, existence
and persistence.
Cut it into pieces,
to analyse
and to classify.

Oh.. here is some conclusion.
Now, decorate it,
with puzzling words,
no rhymes, out of style.
Try make it
sharp and taut, though dead.

Now,
push it into your mortuary.
Visitors waiting,
to appreciate, congratulate
to wonder, feel good
to dissect the already dead,
and to find their conclusion
to decorate their mortuary.

ALL ABOUT A JUNKYARD

It's a junkyard.

Yes, it's a junkyard,
seen
from a running bus;
through the window,
a two legged animal would spit
soap stinking tobacco on,
later;
by a twenty six years old boy
or ... young man;
on his way home;
leaving behind and carrying
his love untold and rejected;
gathering the pieces
of his heart
broken in his eyes;
towards a new future
as old as his past.

SAT DOWN AND WEPT

I was roaming around in BTM Layout, unsuccessfully looking for a doctor who won't mind working on a Sunday evening. Bought 'By the river Piedra I sat down and wept' by Paulo Coelho from a road side bookseller. Actually, I had started reading 'Midnight's children' just the previous day. Anyway, decided to complete 'By the river ..' and started reading the same evening.

Big disappointment. Pages 50-67 were missing in the book. I was not in a mood (or state, I told I was looking for a doctor) to go and get the book replaced. Loss of these 17 pages didn't matter much as I continued reading. (Is there a philosophy hiding here?)

I finished it the next day. I had 'deja vu' feeling when I read the way the protagonists (both of them) think and act. I had thought the same thoughts and done similar things too. I am planning to do some of them in future. Many of us (I'm under no illusion that I have a great readership to this blog :-)) would feel the same, I think.

Whenever the word 'ridiculous' was used in the novel, I couldn't resist remembering one of my previous posts.

I tend to agree with Paulo when he talks about love. But not when he talks about faith or God or destiny. Not in a mood to discuss about this more, now. Will be back, for sure.

To close, one statement from 'Midnight's children'. (not in exact words)
"You turned your back on us, and now claim that we are behind you"

Good one, isn't it?

What he said, groping

Taking off glasses
estranges places,
reduces literacy
to the largest print.
Lights loom, dead
oranges in a fog.
Faces move
under water.
You no longer see
eye to eye.

A hand wrapped in a glove
can no longer pick
a dime off the floor,
or a carrot-red
hair. Or thread
a needle. Or feel the fuzz
on a peach
or a familiar cheek.
You see, smell, hear
what you cannot touch.

That drug
for the racing pulse
puts sleep
into walking,
moves the sidewalk
far away and slow
under someone else's
feet. All day it's late
afternoon and 3:20
always in the radium dark.

Loving someone
not in love
is to lose one's glasses
underfoot without a language
in a village
fair, to wake up without fingers,
to drug the heart
and slow down a world.

- A. K. Ramanujan
From 'Collected Poems'

makes sense...

RIDICULOUS

I was going to tell and I felt ridiculous, I promise. Is this something that is to be told? Felt, isn't it? The very fact that it needs to be told indicated what was in store for me. But, one has to do many things even after knowing that the result is not going to be favourable. Waging a losing battle. There is no other choice; as I told earlier, there is no looking back. Go along the way. Don't retreat and regret later. Get killed and rest convinced.

So, I was going to tell and I felt ridiculous. I was telling and I felt ridiculous. I told and heard 'Ridiculous!'.

Killed and convinced.

'ini ennaip puthiya uyiraakki, mathithannai mihath theLivu seyvaay' (mahakavi Bharathi)

IS THERE A WAY OUT?

I had gone to one of my relatives' house on Saturday. After lunch, I was alone watching TV. K.Vishwanath's 'Sippikkul muthu' was being telecast in RAJ TV. I could watch only half of the movie as I had to leave from there.

Watching the movie made me cry. It's not just 'tears-in-my-eyes' stuff; I was literally crying. It was not for Kamal's character in the movie or the hardships faced by Radhika as young widow. Being selfish as I am, I can only cry for myself. I cried for my lost innocence. I cried, detesting all the knowledge i have gained; all the calculations my mind can do in a second; all the books I have read; all the things that this world has taught me; all the things that I have willingly learnt.

Worst of all is, I cannot decide to be innocent. There is no looking back, is there?

Humanness and the Self

There was a review for 'The Prophet' (Kahlil Gibran) in Metro Plus, a few days back. I don't remember who had reviewed though. The reviewer had mentioned about two more writers in the review. Below are the excerpts from the review.
"Gibran, Rumi and Rilke make a little bridge outwards from the cocoon of self-reliance and self-help that we seem doomed to weave around ourselves".
"Reading them, you can feel how the pain of suffering your humanness is the mystical journey most near you, the most accessible".

This interests me, as I wonder if I am in a self made cocoon. At the same time, I wonder if I have already crossed those bridges only to reach this cocoon. I have read 'The Prophet' and I liked it very much then. Probably I have to re-read it and try to get Rumi and Rilke too.

CHANGE / EVOLUTION ?

I went to a book shop (Prism) in Jayanagar on Sunday. To my surprise, I went to fiction first and then to Philosophy section. This is the first ever time I have done this, while buying English books. With Tamil, this happened a year back, approxmately.

So, I have come to fiction from Philosophy, I believe. Two years back, when I bought 'Total Freedom' by JK, I felt like a drug addict who consumes more drug though he wants to get rid of it badly. I dread if there would be a day in which I would find that all my thoughts were taken from some book I read. That's a nightmare.

But, till today, I am buying and reading more and more.

Midnight's Children (Rushdie), Collected Poems(AK Ramanujan), Commentaries on Living Second Series, Third Series (JK).

Shop owner gave me 10% discount, when I didn't ask for any. I had fought with this old man once before and my last punch line was 'You know what, you just lost a customer'. As usual, I find it meaningless now.

And, I didn't buy clothes, though I had gone to Jayanagar for buying me some shirts. All the shops are crowded and those lights and crowd put me off. I will buy when I really very badly need them. This morning I had to cut the hanging threads from the bottom of my pant and the shirt has worn out in its collar, it is torn too. I can manage for some more time?

AFTERTHOUGHT

My previous post...
I realize it is not that easy to say 'Good Bye!'.

As I do all these, I see that there is something inside me that looks at and smiles at me. It is that 'something' that keeps me awake and alive and safe from going insane. But, how different that 'thing' can be from me? It's me, again, isn't it? I am just a collection of these various 'things'. So, drama goes on. But deep inside, I feel, it's really difficult to say 'Good bye'. If one expects me to say that it is impossible, I'm sorry. If one says that one can't say 'Goodbye' if his love is true, then I doubt if I will ever live to see that 'true' love in me. If I am going to cause more pain than anything else to that person, if that person shows clearly that she is not at all interested in me, what else is the way?

My habit of questioning and analysing everything, including my emotions, might well be an obstacle to someone to come closer to me. And, this is what has made me keep a distance from everyone and everything. A happy-go-lucky, little emotional and a little sensible person may be a lot more fun to be with, I agree. I am not at all fun. I live with questions.

I am not at all worried if someone who knows me reads this and enquires me about all this. I am really surprised at me for this! I can face the whole world and tell 'yes!', even if 'good bye' is all what I'm going to hear/say at the end of all this.

It feels like I am in control with my life. I want to be accountable for everything I do. Am I trying to prove that I am not worried about my well-wishers' opinions? Probably yes. Again, that 'thing' in me starts laughing at me now. I can't be angry to him. He might have a point.

WHAT WE HAVE?

I can't get to see,
however hard I think,
what am I to you now?
Will I ever know?

What you have for me,
Is it irritation?
Or a heart of hatred,
or just indifference!?

I know it's not love!
I know it can't be love!

I know my heart well,
It won't ever back out.
Nothing can erase
in my heart your face!

It will be in my shell,
that I never will reveal,
for I know you know too,
but you chose not to face.

But, you know it is love!
Dear, you know it is love!

Don't give me no reason
you might have lots of 'em.
How can it matter to me,
what they are, let them be!

This is our station,
where I know you part me.
With you take these words
just to laught at or hate me.

Just to laugh at or hate me!
Just you laugh at or hate me!

I bid you good bye here
'tis bad I can't go back
and start all over again
not to give you a single hint!

Don't wanna be near
I'll go far and find my life
But love's what I have for you!
never impured by words of mine!

But, love's what I have for you!
Yeah, love's what I'll have for you!

Peanut Candy

While going home from office last night, I bought vegetables and milk for preparing supper. Walking towards home, I saw the small shop on the opposite street, where we usually buy pickle sachets. With the change that remains, I used to buy peanut candy. We had enough stock of pickle at home. But, I thought of buying it, so that I can buy peanut candy too. When I checked my purse, I had just a single one rupee coin and then Rs50 notes.

So, I have to buy peanut candy alone. How can I do that, being a 26 years old, going to a shop just to buy one peanut candy? No. I decided against that and started walking my way. But, how can this silly inhibition stop me from having what I want?

I walked back towards that shop. There were three inside the shop (two men and a woman), talking to a man who was standing outside the shop. I went and put the coin and asked for a candy. Before I know, my face prepared itself to wear an apologetic smile, as if to apologize for being so childish. (Why is it that I was going to smile at the woman alone. Is it only a woman's opinion about me I'm concerned about?) No, I ordered myself not to smile. Taking that candy in hand, I walked home.

Now, don't believe even if I say that the candy was tastier than it had ever been. It's just the same.

P.S: Oh, what a revolution? Do I talk in the same tone one would talk in, when one says about having gone to an er... whorehouse, without worrying about his prestige etc?

Thank you!

One evening, walking on the river side, I picked two pebbles. They were mine, how nice! I held them against my cheek and enjoyed their chillness. Did the same to my eyes. How lucky I was to have them, to own them. I ran home to show my newfound treasures to everyone. My aunt had come and she had brought date fruits. She gave me two of them. Not caring to take them, I hurried to show her my pebbles. She told, "oh, pebbles? Here, have these". How come she didn't understand that these pebbles are so good! I kept my pebbles in my box. I noticed that the box had few other pebbles too, which I had picked earlier. Some of them looked better than the new ones? I didn't care, these were new and mine. I ignored the thought that I might have to throw these away when we shift our house soon, and ran to aunt again.

She gave me date fruits. What were her pebbles? Is it those date fruits or me?

I liked my aunt, for she had brought me something to eat. I put one in my mouth, still looking at my aunt. She was eagerly awaiting my response. I was too shy to thank her. As I bit the fruit, smiling and blushing, I held my cheek in my palms, and told 'aah'. My aunt called my mother, "Hey, look at your son. He was hurt by date fruit, a date fruit. How strong, your son is?". I started thinking of ways to explain my behavior, silently scolding myself why I couldn't find a better way to thank her.

BORED?

Yesterday, as I mentioned in my previous post, I finished reading 'Gone with the wind'. Then I read Balakumaran's 'payaNikaL gavanikkavum' for the third time. Last time I read that was more than 1.5 years back. When I finished that, I remembered that I had to wash my clothes; I washed. Then, I took 'Bharathiyar kavithaikaL' and read kuyil paattu and kaNNan paattu.

Doing these things is not new to me. Doing these many things is not new either. I was alone at home. That was not at all new. I remember the college days when I loved to be alone, when all my roommates had gone home. There were days I, alone, walked around Bangalore, unknown parks, unknown halls, where some Kannada programmes were going on.

But yesterday, I couldn't stand it. After reading 'vaartthai thavaRi vittaay' from kaNNan paattu, I closed the book, wore my shirt and started wandering the streets. I thought I was bored. Guess I wasn't.

Gone with the Wind

In today's 'The Hindu', there was a news item, which said that the tests for Avian Flu have shown positive results in Gujarat. Just below that, a photograph showed people from some Poultry Welfare Association eating chicken and egg in a public place to (dis)prove a point.

Yesterday, I completed reading 'Gone With the Wind' by Margaret Mitchell, which I was reading for the past few weeks. A moving experience. When I read the Avian Flu news today, I was reminded of Ashley in Gone With the Wind, who loses his old world that he belonged to, at the break out of the civil war. He is shown as a loser who was not able to adapt to the changed times, though he was very much aware of it, even before it changed. But, Rhett Butler, who makes most of the changed situation, aka fall of a civilization, longs to go back to his old days, at the end of the novel. Even before that, he starts making amendments for everything he did before.

That set me thinking about me, as it happens invariably every time. Will I be able to survive if the times change now? If the industry I work for breaks down? If the country that I live in goes for war? If the world that I live in is to face new dangers? Though at first it looks like I will struggle more than Ashley, I feel, I will be able to make it. Reason is, I don't feel I belong to the present times in the first place. Not with the present times, not with the place I live in, not with the country I am born in, not with the job I am doing, not with the group I live with. No. I don't have a feeling of belongingness. If the present is denied, probably I will get to know if I really belonged to something. What will that do to me? Will it break me down? I don't think so. I think, becoming aware of what I belonged to, I might pursue life with a better interest. (So, am I looking for a disaster, just to keep me high? Horrifying!) Or probably, I might continue to do anything just to be alive on that day, with no belonging feeling again.

Oh! I just realize that my previous sentence probably explains what Scarlett did in that novel. But, at the climax, she does realize that she loves Rhett. (If one doesn't realize love, how can one say it was there? It's like this. They say that a cow knows only two colors black and white. We know a few more. But there might be a lot which we can't recognize. So they don't exist to us, do they? mmmm... probably it's not like this) OK. When I touch Love, that's where I should stop a post titled 'Gone with the wind'.

WHY HERE?

Why do I write here? Is it because I haven't got one to listen to all these things? Probably. I know, it can be quite boring for someone to listen to all the blabbering that I do. And, when I get someone who is willing to listen, probably I won't write here. But, there will always be something that you have, with no takers.

How about sharing thoughts with other people? I'm interested. But I won't consider blog as the medium for that. Now, it's just dumping the thoughts. You go through a few of posts in several blogs and you get hooked to someone's way of thinking. And, then comes sharing of thoughts. But, it will never be equal to having someone near you to share your thoughts.

So, basically, what I think I'm doing here is talking to myself. And, talking to nobody, when there is nobody listening, and I wish there is someone.

Let me sign off, before I get into my usual wandering...

WAS I WRONG?

I got new spectacles. Power? athigamillai gentleman, 0.5 Right and 0.25 Left. After wearing this, ground under my feet seems to have gone a bit farther from me. I mean, I feel a little taller than what I thought I was. Not just me, everyone and everything looks a bit taller than what I perceived them to be earlier. Now, Is it just the effect of these new lenses? Or, was I wrong all these days? I will never know, I think.