JORNEY JUST STARTED

When I was browsing a web site searching for an apartment to rent or a roommate to share it with, I found a fortune forecast for me. It read 'you will inherit a big amount today'. Good one for a classifieds page, isn't it? But, I realized suddenly that it was true. Just a few hours back, I had gone to a Bank of America branch here to close my old account and open a new account. To my surprise, she told that I had more than 1100$ in my old accounts. I didn't expect anything over a 500 dollars, frankly. So, isn't that an inheritance (though not a big amount)? From whom? From Vidyasakaran of 2003, who had come to Texas, USA.

That's how his financial planning was. He never knew how much money, in US Dollars, he had here. Never cared to check that. Was prepared to hear the news that his bank account was closed due to inactivity.

And, as on today, I am no better in financial planning. I remain the same in that aspect. I don't regret my carelessness.

Leave financial planning out, I have changed, I think, and how!

In 2003 August, I landed here as an ardent devotee, believer. Now, I don't worship, I don't pray. Though I have taken the painting of Lord Shiva (which I had brought and worhipped last time) with me now, (just in case...) it is still inside my suitcase, uncovered.

In 2003, I went to office everyday with sacred ash prominently smeared on my forehead, more prominently because of my complexion. Now, it is more than a year since I stopped wearing ash, since I dropped it when I realized that it had become just a habit.

Three years back when I came, I had a few senior colleagues whom I was depending, for everything. And, I was quite happy about that. They did everything for me. I just continued my home life, which I was missing from the time I left for my college in 1996. I didn't drive, I didn't plan trips, I didn't activate my ATM card, didn't take a credit card, didn't buy a phone card. I enjoyed my surrender to them. I had even compared that with Vaishnavism's total surrender, in my thoughts, then. I was taken care of, thoroughly.

Now, I still live with the help from guys here and that is intolerable. I would like to break myself free and go out and live all alone, whatever that might take. It can be probably because I am one of the senior guys here. Or because, I don't know these people before. But, I don't think I will ever be able to as carefree as I was.

Last time, I was overwhelmed looking at this country, at least for the first few days. Now, it's not there. OK, it had disappeared within the first few days of my last trip, but it came back strongly, when I saw Mumbai, Bangalore Airports and Bangalore roads on my way back. Now, it seems to be a usual place, some times. At other times, I long to be in the midst of pollution and commotion of Bangalore.

Last time, I landed with my suitcase containing Bhagavad Gita (which I read every morning for well over 2.5 yrs) and War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy). When I went back, I had Atlas Shrugged, I had just started reading then.
Now, I didn't take Gita. I have brought Midnight's Children, JK's Commentary on Living and Amartya Sen's Argumentative Indian.

Three years back, I came here with a mind that was in peace, that had faith, that was clear. Happy? I said peace, what more one wants? I never had to stop and wonder if I was happy. A real evidence to say that I was happy, right?

Now, I can't say I'm very happy. Just out of a, should I write this, failed dream, though it still lingers and tortures now and then. Add to that all these... New into a project which has been going on for long time. No idea about my place in the team. Little idea about the work I'm going to do. Above all these, confusion over future, present and the past. No idea what I want to do in life. No, I'm not going to add more.

So, that's how it is right now...
I have to get my driver's license, get a good place to stay and probably a car, credit card. Oh... I just hate all the work I have to do for these things. But, I am not going to let anyone else do these for me.

Bye for now.