Thank you!

One evening, walking on the river side, I picked two pebbles. They were mine, how nice! I held them against my cheek and enjoyed their chillness. Did the same to my eyes. How lucky I was to have them, to own them. I ran home to show my newfound treasures to everyone. My aunt had come and she had brought date fruits. She gave me two of them. Not caring to take them, I hurried to show her my pebbles. She told, "oh, pebbles? Here, have these". How come she didn't understand that these pebbles are so good! I kept my pebbles in my box. I noticed that the box had few other pebbles too, which I had picked earlier. Some of them looked better than the new ones? I didn't care, these were new and mine. I ignored the thought that I might have to throw these away when we shift our house soon, and ran to aunt again.

She gave me date fruits. What were her pebbles? Is it those date fruits or me?

I liked my aunt, for she had brought me something to eat. I put one in my mouth, still looking at my aunt. She was eagerly awaiting my response. I was too shy to thank her. As I bit the fruit, smiling and blushing, I held my cheek in my palms, and told 'aah'. My aunt called my mother, "Hey, look at your son. He was hurt by date fruit, a date fruit. How strong, your son is?". I started thinking of ways to explain my behavior, silently scolding myself why I couldn't find a better way to thank her.

BORED?

Yesterday, as I mentioned in my previous post, I finished reading 'Gone with the wind'. Then I read Balakumaran's 'payaNikaL gavanikkavum' for the third time. Last time I read that was more than 1.5 years back. When I finished that, I remembered that I had to wash my clothes; I washed. Then, I took 'Bharathiyar kavithaikaL' and read kuyil paattu and kaNNan paattu.

Doing these things is not new to me. Doing these many things is not new either. I was alone at home. That was not at all new. I remember the college days when I loved to be alone, when all my roommates had gone home. There were days I, alone, walked around Bangalore, unknown parks, unknown halls, where some Kannada programmes were going on.

But yesterday, I couldn't stand it. After reading 'vaartthai thavaRi vittaay' from kaNNan paattu, I closed the book, wore my shirt and started wandering the streets. I thought I was bored. Guess I wasn't.

Gone with the Wind

In today's 'The Hindu', there was a news item, which said that the tests for Avian Flu have shown positive results in Gujarat. Just below that, a photograph showed people from some Poultry Welfare Association eating chicken and egg in a public place to (dis)prove a point.

Yesterday, I completed reading 'Gone With the Wind' by Margaret Mitchell, which I was reading for the past few weeks. A moving experience. When I read the Avian Flu news today, I was reminded of Ashley in Gone With the Wind, who loses his old world that he belonged to, at the break out of the civil war. He is shown as a loser who was not able to adapt to the changed times, though he was very much aware of it, even before it changed. But, Rhett Butler, who makes most of the changed situation, aka fall of a civilization, longs to go back to his old days, at the end of the novel. Even before that, he starts making amendments for everything he did before.

That set me thinking about me, as it happens invariably every time. Will I be able to survive if the times change now? If the industry I work for breaks down? If the country that I live in goes for war? If the world that I live in is to face new dangers? Though at first it looks like I will struggle more than Ashley, I feel, I will be able to make it. Reason is, I don't feel I belong to the present times in the first place. Not with the present times, not with the place I live in, not with the country I am born in, not with the job I am doing, not with the group I live with. No. I don't have a feeling of belongingness. If the present is denied, probably I will get to know if I really belonged to something. What will that do to me? Will it break me down? I don't think so. I think, becoming aware of what I belonged to, I might pursue life with a better interest. (So, am I looking for a disaster, just to keep me high? Horrifying!) Or probably, I might continue to do anything just to be alive on that day, with no belonging feeling again.

Oh! I just realize that my previous sentence probably explains what Scarlett did in that novel. But, at the climax, she does realize that she loves Rhett. (If one doesn't realize love, how can one say it was there? It's like this. They say that a cow knows only two colors black and white. We know a few more. But there might be a lot which we can't recognize. So they don't exist to us, do they? mmmm... probably it's not like this) OK. When I touch Love, that's where I should stop a post titled 'Gone with the wind'.

WHY HERE?

Why do I write here? Is it because I haven't got one to listen to all these things? Probably. I know, it can be quite boring for someone to listen to all the blabbering that I do. And, when I get someone who is willing to listen, probably I won't write here. But, there will always be something that you have, with no takers.

How about sharing thoughts with other people? I'm interested. But I won't consider blog as the medium for that. Now, it's just dumping the thoughts. You go through a few of posts in several blogs and you get hooked to someone's way of thinking. And, then comes sharing of thoughts. But, it will never be equal to having someone near you to share your thoughts.

So, basically, what I think I'm doing here is talking to myself. And, talking to nobody, when there is nobody listening, and I wish there is someone.

Let me sign off, before I get into my usual wandering...

WAS I WRONG?

I got new spectacles. Power? athigamillai gentleman, 0.5 Right and 0.25 Left. After wearing this, ground under my feet seems to have gone a bit farther from me. I mean, I feel a little taller than what I thought I was. Not just me, everyone and everything looks a bit taller than what I perceived them to be earlier. Now, Is it just the effect of these new lenses? Or, was I wrong all these days? I will never know, I think.