Salt Knives

A pinch of salt
with every lesson,
I am saltier
than any ocean!
It's nauseating.

There fall my idols
killed
by the salt knives
leaving me
a salt mountain
and broken idols

It's intriguing
to scale the peak.
An achievement,
won't it be?

But who needs that?
Salt inflow never stops,
there are new idols!
I know
what to get rid of.

Holy Slaughter

As the knowing expands
drop dead the holy-cows
that I worshipped
admired, liked and loved!

I have grown a few
I have grown into a few
Kill them all!

My veins run their milk,
but
it's time
to be ungrateful.

Though insecure
I might find peace,
in a holy-cowless land!

Convicted Escapist

Earlier this year, a haircut I had and a shave I chose not to have left me with hair of 5mm length all over my head and face. (Well, except the considerable area on my head which had forgotten the art of hair growing!) One of my friends, on seeing this, commented that I looked like an 'escaped convict'. I replied him, "I may look so, but actually I am a 'convicted escapist'!".

Childhood dreams and desires, adolescent dreams, desires and ambitions give way to a nothingness, due to failures or awareness or laziness or all of these. One grows into an individual, truly alone. Everyone, including one's parents, siblings and friends, is other people. (One remembers Sartre's remark: 'Hell is other people') One carries no responsibility, except the ones that are strictly his alone.

We, four friends, were traveling in Tuticorin Express, from Nellai to Bangalore, when one of them expressed his concern about the image of India that would be formed in a foreigner's mind when he sees all the ugliness that prevails and atrocities that happen here. I replied, "Well, I don't identify myself with my state or country or language or anything. So, tell me if I'm doing anything wrong. I am not concerned about anything that others do"

One sees around all the good people doing the bad things, thinking what they think good is THE good! Whole media is heated up in discussion about a national issue. There are people for and against a certain thing. One finds the truth in both. Don't ask, why can't one find out the best solution! One might come up with a best solution, but why should it be considered the best by the rest? One recognizes and respects the right of others to differ from him. And, nothingness prevails.

During one lunch discussion, a friend says that we have to choose between the devil and the deep sea. Yes, we were discussing about Tamil Nadu politics. I reveal my decision of never voting again. He asks, "But in democracy, do we have a better option?" My answer is, "Democracy? That wasn't MY choice". "I don't need anyone to represent me in assembly or parliament or temple. I am not going to mistake other individual's ambitions to be in my interest. I don't need it"

One calls it 'individualism' at times, 'wisdom' some times. There are more: ignorance, foolishness, arrogance. And, one day, one starts suspecting that it is escaping from one's responsibilities, even after being aware. One starts accusing oneself of being an escapist. But this doesn't stay forever. One is thrown between the extremes, hit hard in each point that lie between! Some call this is masochism (not in a sexual context, of course)! How about machoism?

Forget the isms!
One is convicted by oneself for being aware of being an escapist (or whatever).

Another Massacre

Look at these:
This is in Tamil. Those who don't know Tamil, please excuse.
A poem on a massacre that happened in SriLanka.
http://karthikraamas.net/pathivu/?p=143

This is in English. But, you can understand even if you don't know English.
WARNING: STORY CONTAINS UNEDITED PHOTO FROM MASSACRE SITE
http://www.tamilnet.com/art.html?catid=13&artid=18447

ayyo!

BEST FROM THE WORST

As I mentioned in my previous post...
Here are the best ones I liked from me, during the past few months period!
I feel, it's these strong emotions (up or low, right or left) that bring out the best. But these are only the second best, first one being the peace and calmness and creation therefrom.

ok! Here I go!

Let me start with one of the drawings!



And more...
*When I touch Love, that's where I should stop a post titled 'Gone with the wind'

*I thought I was bored. Guess I wasn't.

*What were her pebbles? Is it those date fruits or me?

*Worst of all is, I cannot decide to be innocent. There is no looking back, is there?

*So, I was going to tell and I felt ridiculous.
I was telling and I felt ridiculous.
I told and heard 'Ridiculous!'.

*towards a new future
as old as his past.

*This is the best! March 21st. A sacrificial lamb lead the priest to the altar. Got killed and rested convinced. Felt ridiculous all through the process!

*the person, who asked me to keep in touch, but wished just the opposite.

*I choose to just go over all my options again and again, and then to play a game of Hearts! It's easy when played on a laptop.

*I became blind to all the other possibilities and by then the question had vanished unable to survive my constant stare at it. Questions don't get answer; They disappear. And, you are left with the answer you would have liked, anyway

*I saw a corpse there, starting to disintegrate right in front of the eyes of its creator

* A friend: Hope you are sporting your green shirt always :) (clue: Green on Valentine's day means the wearer is waiting)
Me: My green shirt? I left it in Bangalore. I haven't brought anything green, except for Medimix soap. Even that I am not using nowadays. :-) I have green-gram powder instead, oh another green! But when you beat it, break it and grind it, it's not green anymore. It becomes as pale as dead. (Wow! I like this. I got it perfect, didn't I?)

*A friend: Good luck on that. You wil find answers to a lot of life's dilemmas after that
Me: Hmmmm... I don't see anything happening in the near future. I'm not wearing green anyway.
If anything happens, I don't think I will find answers to the dilemmas. I will just have to ignore few of them, because I would have chosen a different path. Only way for these dilemmas to go seems to be the pressing necessity of choosing a path where you wouldn't have time/energy/heart for those questions again. Will I do it!!? Don't know.

I'M HAPPY TODAY

I was walking, alone, in the midst of unknown flowers that spread the fragrance in the air and happiness in the minds. I wondered that it has taken more than a month for me to walk here and to know the existence of these flowers in the neighborhood.

So, what happened today that made me do this?
It's not something that happened today. Probably everything that has been happening for the past few days have helped me to regain what I had lost.

This morning, I unsubscribed from the groups that call themselves 'pessimists', 'terminally single' etc. Just a few days back I thought I have been a pessimist from birth. How did I forget the rainy evenings that I walked in Koramangala streets, gently touching the road side tree leaves making them shower their blessings on me? How did I forget the heavy rains that washed all my thoughts down, while I was lying on the BTM house terrace, with just a towel around my waist? How did I forget the kids that smile at me? How did I forget the moments that filled me with ecstacy, wherever I was in, temple, travel, in front of a TV or a book, or alone!

Thanks to,
* this space, which allowed me to pour down all I had in my mind.
* the Sunday evening, which led me to this, probably
* the movie 'Pleasantville'!
* Time, which heals the worst of one's wounds.
* hearts which I feel I'm close to.
* one who made all this possible!

My next post is going to be my best! (no blind optimism, this)

SMILE IN PLEASANTVILLE-2

This Sunday evening, I was sitting on a bench, reading a book. Shouldn't it be the other way? Reading a book, sitting on a bench? No. In my case, primarily I was sitting on the bench. While I was reading, there was another thread of thought running, which could relate and converse with the book. The chapter was about boredom and the thought was about my interests. And, I thought I had some clear understanding of both at the end of it. But now I don't remember what exactly it is!

Earlier in the afternoon, I watched the movie 'Pleasantville' . I liked the movie very much.

Here is the story of the movie.
David and Jennifer somehow go back in time, into the town Pleasantville of a 1950's TV serial called Pleasantville. While they need to wait to come back to present, their presence changes the town and the lives. There are people accepting the new, there are people who hate the new things in their town. How the whole town comes to Life, is the rest of the movie.

Comedy?
Yes, it's a comedy. But a lot more. The serial was telecast in Black and White era. So, Pleasantville has no colours. But, people who feel the life in them start appearing in colours. This outrages the old-timers and the town committee passes orders against the 'coloured' people. A husband is spellbound and horrified when his wife answers his question 'what were you doing' with a simple 'thinking'.

More?
As it happens with any revolution, here this change is made visible and partly possible through arts and literature. Town committee orders the closure of the library. 'Public' burn the books and destroy the building that has the paintings.

Watching this movie, I realised how we get used to things and how we long to maintain the status quo. We like change, but not too much of it! But when you see the real life inside, you live in the present not worrying about the next moment.

This movie can give insights in indivual, spiritul, political or social planes.
There can be hundreds of better movies out there. But the impact this movie had on me was just immense.

This movie had a girl, whose smile was wonderful. It had the innocence, wonder, love and ... and... Life. I was smiling with her all the way. How beautiful, a smile is! When she cried, I did it too. How beautiful, a smile is! As I became aware of the happiness that this smile created in me, I was also reminded of my hatred and jealousy. I have been trying to get rid of these, but success is only superficial. Suddenly, this smile showed me a way out of these. At least I thought so.

I am not going to tell everything I thought. Words kill the feeling. When I put down them here in words, I feel guilty of killing something. (as I wrote in "One more in my mortuary")

The book I read and the movie I watched made me write a mail, working in the order mentioned above, though their chronological order was the opposite.

I wrote a few paragraphs, explaining what it is for, what I want, in response to my urge to replace some untold pain with a smile. And I saw a corpse there, starting to disintegrate right in front of the eyes of its creator. I deleted them and replaced with 'I deleted a few paragraphs, which were present in the place of this single line'.

Just before clicking on 'send', I buried that line too. Now, the mail looked much better. I am trying hard to smile!

P.S: I posted this yesterday. Today I enhanced it and suffixed the title with '-2'! Also, I undid one compromise I had done earlier. :-)