When I read my last post two days after writing it, I wondered why it should be so negative. Was it really negative? Why I sound a bad egotist to myself, when no one around me would want to believe it? I wondered why I make things difficult for myself?
Few more days later, I was reading Utilitarianism by John Stuart Mill. Below text reminded me of my previous post. I wasn't sure how well related these are. Let's see.
Next to selfishness, the principal cause which makes life unsatisfactory, is want of mental cultivation. A cultivated mind-I do not mean that of a philosopher, but any mind to which the fountains of knowledge have been opened, and which has been taught, in any tolerable degree, to exercise its faculties-finds sources of inexhaustible interest in all that surrounds it; in the objects of nature, the achievements of art, the imaginations of poetry, the incidenets of history, the ways of mankind past and present, and their prospects in the future.
I felt like someone approving of my varied, at times contradictory, interests. By no means, I want to proclaim that I am that so called 'cultivated mind'. At least, it is something I want to be, it looks like. To hold back on most of those interests, just to be able to pass the remaining days in peace (!?) is just unthinkable.
I am reminded of Darwin's words 'My God, it is intolerable to think of spending ones whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, & nothing after all.' This he wrote, when he was pondering on the question, To marry or Not!?
Now, it is probably not (just) a so-called normal(!) life that can sway me away from being a real cultivated mind. There are thousand other things. Or, probably nine hunderd and ninety nine.
John Stuart Mill says
'Many who begin with youthful enthusiasm for everything noble, as they advance in years sink into indolence and selfishness. But I do not believe that those who undergo this very common change, voluntarily choose the lower description of pleasures in preference to the higher. I believe that before they devote themselves exclusively to the one, they have already become incapable of the other.'
So, I wonder which point I am at, in this common change. I am almost certain I am in it. I wake up late every morning, I don't exercise regularly, I don't read regularly, most of the times I read, it is all junk. Am I becoming incapable of the enthusiasm for everything noble?
As I always say, it's probably this realization, this alone, that can help me recover. Every night, when I retire to bed, I chide myself for having wasted so much of time. Hope there is a turnaround, soon!
Utilitarianism says elsewhere
'Genuine private affections, and a sincere interest in the public good, are possible, though in unequal degrees, to every rightly brought-up human being. In a world in which there is so much to interest, so much to enjoy, and so much also to correct and improve, everyone who has this moderate amount of moral and intellectual requisites is capable of an existence which may be called enviable; and unless such a person, through bad laws, or subjection to the will of others, is denied the liberty to use the sources of happiness within his reach, he will not fail to find thi enviable existence'.
This enviable existence sounds almost like a compromise to my ears. And, I have to hope for it. The reality is, I am not going anywhere. Start was good, I guess. The past few months have been a regresing time period. Lot of work at office, and the standard of my other activities have gone down steadily. I need to pull up my socks before I lose the self respect. Come on, I can! I am, after all, a proud freeman!
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