Convicted Escapist

Earlier this year, a haircut I had and a shave I chose not to have left me with hair of 5mm length all over my head and face. (Well, except the considerable area on my head which had forgotten the art of hair growing!) One of my friends, on seeing this, commented that I looked like an 'escaped convict'. I replied him, "I may look so, but actually I am a 'convicted escapist'!".

Childhood dreams and desires, adolescent dreams, desires and ambitions give way to a nothingness, due to failures or awareness or laziness or all of these. One grows into an individual, truly alone. Everyone, including one's parents, siblings and friends, is other people. (One remembers Sartre's remark: 'Hell is other people') One carries no responsibility, except the ones that are strictly his alone.

We, four friends, were traveling in Tuticorin Express, from Nellai to Bangalore, when one of them expressed his concern about the image of India that would be formed in a foreigner's mind when he sees all the ugliness that prevails and atrocities that happen here. I replied, "Well, I don't identify myself with my state or country or language or anything. So, tell me if I'm doing anything wrong. I am not concerned about anything that others do"

One sees around all the good people doing the bad things, thinking what they think good is THE good! Whole media is heated up in discussion about a national issue. There are people for and against a certain thing. One finds the truth in both. Don't ask, why can't one find out the best solution! One might come up with a best solution, but why should it be considered the best by the rest? One recognizes and respects the right of others to differ from him. And, nothingness prevails.

During one lunch discussion, a friend says that we have to choose between the devil and the deep sea. Yes, we were discussing about Tamil Nadu politics. I reveal my decision of never voting again. He asks, "But in democracy, do we have a better option?" My answer is, "Democracy? That wasn't MY choice". "I don't need anyone to represent me in assembly or parliament or temple. I am not going to mistake other individual's ambitions to be in my interest. I don't need it"

One calls it 'individualism' at times, 'wisdom' some times. There are more: ignorance, foolishness, arrogance. And, one day, one starts suspecting that it is escaping from one's responsibilities, even after being aware. One starts accusing oneself of being an escapist. But this doesn't stay forever. One is thrown between the extremes, hit hard in each point that lie between! Some call this is masochism (not in a sexual context, of course)! How about machoism?

Forget the isms!
One is convicted by oneself for being aware of being an escapist (or whatever).